A New Stitch

It all started about three years ago. I suddenly got sick in the middle of the night. I was taken to the ER and had a CT scan done. The doctor suspected my appendix. I thought it was my appendix. My parents thought it was my appendix. The pain was in the right place, and my other symptoms matched. The very first CT scan showed that my problem was, in fact, colitis. And it all goes downhill from there.

But, I’m not one to face my problems directly, so let’s look at some very pretty yarn. Don’t let its looks deceive you, it’s hell to work with. But it will be so worth it. I saw this yarn and knew immediately that it wanted to be made using the Crocodile Stitch. I mean, Dragonscales!!! Love!!! I bought five balls of this. It hung out in a bag until I decided what exactly to do with it.

Which brings me back to January of this year. It’s the very early hours of a Friday morning. I’m having some serious digestive upset. My three-year-old is asleep on my bed, and I’m trying extremely hard not to disturb her, so I do what any adult would do: I called my mommy. I called her three times, and she didn’t answer. Then I called my daddy. I managed to get my daughter to her bed. I have Mom take me to the ER. I had yet another CT scan. My fourth in three years, all because of the same problem. The ER doctor proclaims my appendix to be the problem and admits me. Every time before that, I’ve been diagnosed with colitis and sent home with strong antibiotics.

The surgeon I saw hours later declares that it’s not my appendix at all. I’m ready to have the danged thing removed at that point. It’s been three years of “It may be your appendix or colitis. We’re going to do a CT scan.” I’m more than a little frustrated but too sick to do anything about it. I spent four days in the hospital, and I’m still dealing with the fallout from my daughter. When I’m finally released, I’m told to go back to my doctor if I start having problems again. Which I do…

Noticing a theme? I’m not out of the hospital a week before I’m sitting at my doctor’s office hearing, “Well, it could be your appendix, it feels a little inflamed, but it’s probably colitis.” This medical practitioner doesn’t want to give me any antibiotics or run anymore test. She literally tells me, “go home and see how you feel later.” That didn’t sit too well with me. Two days later, I’m in a specialists office and I have a colonoscopy scheduled, which did horrendous things to my anxiety. I spent the next couple of weeks in an almost constant state of panic.

That’s why I decide to learn how to do the Crocodile Stitch. When I get anxious, I also get this restless itchy feeling. I either pace for days on end, or I learn how to do something new. Afterall, I did have that pretty yarn waiting for me. One weekend when I was childless (what I call weekends when she’s with her dad), I picked up a hook and a YouTube video (I’m not planning on decreasing). And then this happened!!! See it?! I have a scale!

I have decided that I’m making a shawl for myself. As mentioned above, the yarn is a pure, beautiful hell. It’s not forgiving. There’s no room for mistakes. Mistakes cause the yarn to lock up on itself. Undoing anything requires very bright light and a small sharp object to basically cut the fuzzies that are tangled. I broke into a sweat trying to undo one stitch.

I knocked out quite a bit before the colonoscopy. After, though, I lost myself in books. Sitting long enough to crochet kept my mind stuck on waiting for my biopsy results. The specialist said everything looked normal during the colonoscopy. The biopsy results came in a few days ago with “non-specific inflammation.” I was also told if I had any more symptoms to call for a follow-up. That’s it. That day I knocked out two (well, sort of four) rows on the shawl. It helped that I was surrounded by people not long after the non-answer.

Each row is sort of two. It has the foundation row and then the scale row. There is no actual turning of the project. It’s just back and forth, back and forth. It’s going to take significantly longer than I anticipated to make. I don’t have a size. I’ll just stop until the shawl fits the way I want it. But, fun fact, it currently has a total of 190 scales over 19 rows. Also, a fun fact, my first ball of yarn had two babies hidden inside of it. Aren’t they adorable! I used a wooden spoon to ball them because they were actually too small for me to wind on my thumb.

But don’t worry, I won’t bore you month after month with my slow crocheting. I will update briefly until it’s finished, but the month of March is dedicated to babies!

Welcome!

Hello, my name is Jeff. Actually, it isn’t, I was told to say that by Sara* because I’m not good at introductions. It stems from my anxiety. I’m Hannah.

I started knitting when I was sixteen. I had a sprained ankle. I was on crutches and told to keep my butt in a chair. Admittedly, I have a hard time being still. I was active, an athlete. Chair rest was making me crazy. About that time, my father brought me home the library books I’d reserved, plus an extra one: Chicks with Sticks (It’s a purl thing) by Elizabeth Lenhard.

My dad thinks he’s funny. I was mesmerized by the descriptions of knitting in the book. The first weekend after I’d finished the book, I pestered him until he took me to a Joann’s. I came home with a beginner’s knitting kit, and I had a scarf in two hours. It was not a very good scarf, but I was addicted.

Knitting satisfied my urge to move. It became a lifeline two years later when my depression and anxiety got much worse. I was 18, and I had just been told that I had rheumatoid arthritis. I didn’t handle it well. I don’t really remember handling it, actually.

I had all but stopped knitting at that point. But, after an extreme reaction to an RA medicine, I went to the store and bought some needles and yarn. I made a scarf and then another. Over the next six months, I’d made four or five scarves and a hat. All of them were basic stockinette or garter stitch.

I intend to post on the last day of every month. I’ll show you the projects I start and finish. Mostly the ones I start, though. I get easily distracted by things. I have a few big projects coming up, and some exciting things I’ve been dying to start. I’ve also had a lot of stressors this past month. I’ll discuss all that as well.

Join me and create some peace, too.

*Sara is a very good friend of mine. She’s one of the people who gets spammed by my anxiety fueled self-doubts.